by Tom Shields
December 16, 2008

As bailout mania sweeps the nation, Governor Granholm is putting on hold restructuring to balance the state’s budget in anticipation of a ginormous bailout from President-elect Obama. But, given the results of recent attempts by the Big Three to wrestle $37 billion from Congress, the Obama Bailout may not be as easy as the governor expects.

Assuming that Congress will want a say in this gravy train give-away, let’s look in on the future Senate Banking Committee hearing and what might transpire when Michigan comes to bat for the big hand-out.

Chairman Dodd: Welcome to Washington, Governor Granholm. My distinguished colleague from Alabama, Senator Richard Shelby, has the first questions for you.

Senator Shelby: As you may have heard, we asked the heads of the Big Three how they traveled to Washington when they were here a few months ago. How did you get here today?

Governor Granholm: We certainly paid close attention to those hearings. I departed right after my State of the State speech last month. Traveled by dog sled through the U.P., ran across the Mackinac Bridge, snowmobiled to Detroit, picked up one of those fuel-efficient hybrid cars that actually runs on wind power, drove to West Virginia where we are camping, rode a bike into D.C. and then decided to walk the last five miles to the Capitol.

Shelby: That’s impressive, Governor. I hear things are pretty tough in Michigan. Tell us a little bit about the economic conditions of your state.

Granholm: We are in horrible shape, Senator. For nearly six years, we’ve held tight to the highest unemployment rate in the nation — hovering around number one all the time — except for the period when those Katrina states beat us. In fact, we hit double-digits last month.

Shelby: And how long have you been governor?

Granholm: Six years. But things were going downhill as I was elected.

Shelby: Governor, it appears that you have been in a single-state recession since you took office. What have you done to turn things around?

Granholm: I first thought it was important to feel everyone’s pain, so I held listening sessions all around the state. Everyone really loved my PowerPoint.

Shelby: And what did your citizens tell you?

Granholm: They said we needed more jobs, to diversify our economy and to do a better job of educating our children for future jobs.

Shelby: Sounds like a good plan, Governor. What happened?

Granholm: Well, you know being a high-tax state, with lots of regulations and high labor costs, didn’t make it easy. So, we came up with a bunch of new programs to give money to businesses that wanted to move to Michigan, or were threatening to leave.

Shelby: I can understand having to give incentives to compete. But what about those businesses that were struggling to stay?

Granholm: Well, we really appreciate them Senator. We had no choice, though, but to raise their taxes. Someone had to pay for the new programs.

Senator Shelby: You raised taxes to stimulate business growth?

Granholm: Sure, but then it turned out we still didn’t have enough to pay for all the programs, so we added a surcharge.

Senator Shelby: A surcharge?

Granholm: It’s like a tax on top of the tax. We just kept raising it until we thought we had enough to pay for all the things we wanted to do.

Senator Shelby: And how did your business community react?

Granholm: They hate it. But it’s important to note that if they get to the point of threatening to leave, then we have a program in place to give them money to stay. Our businesses are really, really important to us. Really.

Shelby: I think I’ve heard enough on your business plans. Tell the committee what you are doing about education.

Granholm: Our focus has been on our most problematic school district, in Detroit. Fewer than 40 percent of students are graduating, and those that do are having a very difficult time moving on to college and competing with other students. So we are working at restoring their status as a first-class school district.

Shelby: That sound like a good start. What’s your new plan?

Granholm: No new plan, Senator. We just wave our wand over them, and designate them as a first-class school district. If we don’t do this, the charter schools will move in and start offering students and their parents viable alternatives. Then, who would be left to go to Detroit schools? We just can’t have that.

Shelby: Governor, we were pretty tough on the Big Three when they were here. What have you done to cut back before coming here asking the rest of the nation to bail you out?

Granholm: Well Senator, we closed a prison and did a couple of other housekeeping cutbacks. We are waiting on President Obama before doing more. If he plans to bail us out, why would we cut anything?

Shelby: No cuts in your pay, your staff, legislative staff, programs, projects, benefits, expenses or anything?

Granholm: Of course not. Times are tough and the people really need us. Really.

Shelby: By the way, who is that man that keeps passing you notes from the seat behind you?

Granholm: That’s my husband, the First Gentleman.

Shelby: And what does the First Gentleman do, and who are those other people next to him?

Granholm: He mentors, Senator. He’s the best little mentorer in the state. He also takes care of our two governor’s mansions. And those three people are his staff.

Shelby: The First Gentleman has a staff and you have two mansions?

Granholm: Oh sure. A staff, a website and everything. Two homes may seem like a lot, but one is a summer mansion on Mackinac Island. And the other one in Lansing was just a hole in the wall until we spent $2.8 million to fix it up.

Shelby: $2.8 million to spruce up your Lansing mansion?

Granholm: I know that sounds like a lot, but you should see the lavender powder room, it is just fabulous. You know, it was featured in Hour Magazine. And, it didn’t cost the taxpayers a dime. We raised it from private donations.

Shelby: Private donations?

Granholm: Absolutely, the First Gentleman even got General Motors to pony up for $100,000.

Shelby: Governor, I think I’ve heard enough. I congratulate you. You have opened my eyes. If I had known what the Big Three had to put up with back in Michigan, I would have voted for their $37 billion bailout last year.

Tom Shields is founder and president of Marketing Resource Group, a Lansing-based political marketing and public relations firm.