by Susan J. Demas
December 1, 2008

After years of being a mere policy wonk and politics geek, I’ve somehow made it to pundit status in Lansing.

Yes, it’s a glamorous life covering every sigh in the state Senate, writing four stories a day and occasionally appearing on Tim Skubick’s “Off the Record,” where he keeps me humble by forgetting my name to get a laugh.

I’m often asked how one joins the punditocracy. Truth be told, it is a grueling routine. I start out my day by checking RealClearPolitics, Politico and The Page before brushing my teeth, and then proceed to obsessively-compulsively click back to them a good 30 times throughout the day. Rule No. 1 for pundits: know what other pundits are saying to create an adequate echo chamber (and to appropriate anything clever you might find).

My daily routine continues by flipping obsessively to the cable news shows, to see whatever inanity has captured the fancy of Chris Matthews, Wolf Blitzer, Sean Hannity, et al. It could be Michelle Obama’s dress or Barney the White House dog biting a reporter by “accident.” Pundit fodder is where you find it.

Now, I like to kick back with a good bio of FDR or Lincoln to give me some historical context, but most pundits will tell you that’s unnecessary. Punditry is all about the now, baby. Then again, I also study those blue-and-red voter distribution maps in my sleep (thank you, New York Times!).

I should tell you that you can skip all that and go directly to Google blogs. Declare yourself a pundit and start ranting away. Bonus points: slam mainstream media pundits as much as possible, as only extreme bloggers can do. Remember: David Gergen knows nothing, unless he happens to say something that day that supports your worldview. In that case, make sure to express your mocking incredulity (“Dude, Gergen was actually good today”).

Shortly after the election, I was invited to do the pundit thing for the Michigan Political Leadership Program and Michigan Political History Society. As I was trying to elicit cheap laughs off Sarah Palin (a.k.a. pundit gold) at “Off the Record — On the Road” at Michigan State University’s Kellogg Center, it occurred to me that I could refine this guide a bit more for partisans.

You’d think that being a Democratic pundit would be the best gig right now, but you’d be wrong. Win or lose, Republicans have the market cornered on righteous indignation, and Democrats are always sure the sky is falling. (Note: does not apply to melancholy moderate Republicans, who have been excommunicated since Milliken left the governor’s mansion).

So, if you’re a GOP pundit, I’ve got your talking points right here:

• Barack Obama didn’t win; John McCain lost. (Note: this does not apply to Palin. She is the future of the party, dammit, and was an unqualified success, no matter what the polls say). Between the economy and George W. Bush, no Republican could have won. Cheer up: Obama is already doomed, since he got it by default.** Bonus spin for McCain haters: he did run a terrible campaign, had no message, is too moderate and is an awful, angry guy. Mitt Romney/Mike Huckabee/Sarah Palin/the Backyardigans would have won.
• The Republican Party needs to turn further right. We got away from our principles and what this election was really about was people rejecting our free-spending ways (once again, pay no attention to the polls). That’s why folks voted for the dude we called a socialist.
• The media did it. We thought that folks in Real America didn’t pay attention to those Eastern elites, but turns out they infected the country with Obamania. Moses couldn’t have defeated the Chosen One, so the fact that McCain came within 7 points and 192 electoral votes is nothing short of a miracle.

And here’s your Democratic spin:

• Obama really should have won by more. It was a great Democratic year, when a generic candidate should have had a 20-point margin. We should have ended up with 70 in the Senate and 400 in the House. To have fallen short is a huge disaster for us. Really, it’s a victory for Republicans, who will inevitably take back both houses in ’10. We should just give up now.
• We’re still a center-right country, let’s not forget. Obama shouldn’t get any big ideas. Idaho now has a Democratic congressman and Alaska has a Democratic senator, but let’s not get carried away. U.S. Rep. Bill Sali was crazy and U.S. Sen. Ted Stevens was a seven-time felon — and the elections were still close. There’s a lot of talk about the country getting bluer, but Appalachia voted more Republican than ever. And that’s the cradle of civilization right there. We’re doomed.
• Don’t feel bad, Republicans. The country’s in shambles with a record deficit, incomprehensible recession and an unwinnable war on terror. You wouldn’t want to be in charge, anyway.
• Oh, crap. Does this mean we really have to fix all this?

Susan J. Demas is a 2006 Knight Foundation Fellow in nonprofits journalism and a political analyst for Michigan Information & Research Service.