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Chuck Moss

Chuck Moss

Promises Made, Promises Delayed

September 29, 2017

So I need my windows washed. I had these guys, BlueState Windows, but the windows just got dirtier and they said this was good for me, all part of a big plan, and charged me more every year. So, to hell with ‘em, I figured I’d give someone else a try. I fired the BlueState guys and hired RedState.

Next time I walked outside, I looked around. There were some BlueState guys, some RedState Guys, and the windows were still dirty. “Hey, what’s the deal?”

The BlueState guys said they had unexpired contract time, and they might as well sit around at my place as any place else. The RedState guys were sitting making calculations, moving things around, and trading stuff from their lunchboxes. “Gentlemen!” I said. “What about the windows?”

“We can see that dirty windows are a serious problem here, and we wish to address it in a comprehensive and fundamental way,” said the RedState foreman.

“Like starting to wash them?”

“We mustn’t be simplistic, good sir. The windows didn’t get dirty in five minutes, and undirtying them will be a delicate—nay, exquisitely precise operation. Lest you inadvertently de-windowize the existing windows. Also, we only have enough guys to wash the first floor. And no ladders.”

I looked over at the remaining BlueState guys. No help there. “Okay,” I said. “You BlueState guys clear out. I’m hiring the Second Floor Crew of RedState and I want my damn windows washed.” The BlueState guys ambled off to the property line and a bunch of new guys pulled up in a RedState truck, pulled off ladders and hoses. Great, I thought and went to the store.

But when I got back, the windows were still dirty.

“Bloody blipping jeehosaphat! What the hell is going on? Or rather what ISN’T going on? Why aren’t you guys busy washing my windows, which what I specifically hired you to do!”

“A thousand pardons, good sir,” said the RedState foreman. “But complex issues intervene.”

“What? I hired first floor guys, and you said you needed second floor guys. So I hired second floor guys and now you say you still can’t clean the windows?”

“Regrettably not,” said the foreman. “As you see, we cannot gain access to the interior of the structure, which is still occupied by BlueState vendors.”

“All right!” I said. “Blip it all! RedState, I’m now hiring you for the inside, too. HEY” I shouted. “Any BlueStaters, outta the house pronto!” A steady stream of guys in BlueState shirts came streaming outside, some with sandwiches, chicken wings, and cans of pop from my fridge. The last one bowed, pointed and said “Transition complete.” Another RedState truck pulled out. A big guy with lots of hair led a group in RedState shirts in. They immediately began trying to throw each other out.

I took a walk around the corner. When I came back…ARGG! The windows were still dirty! The Second Floor guys were arguing with each other. Some of the First Floor guys were spraying Second Floor guys with hoses, others were sitting with their arms crossed refusing to admit the principle that windows should exist at all. Some Second Floor guys were yelling at the Inside guys and some were trading lunches with BlueState guys. The Inside crew were starting to wash the insides of the windows, which was fine but not good enough.

“HEY!” I yelled. “I hired you idiots to wash my windows. First you tell me that you need Second Floor guys, so I give you Second Floor Guys. Then you say you need Inside guys so I give you Inside guys. And you still can’t wash my blippin’ windows? What good are you? I should fire your whole bunch.”

“Indeed, you could,” said the Foreman. He pointed to the BlueState guys who were picking up rocks and baseball bats. “But these miscreants will just break all your windows now. I promise we’ll get your windows washed, just not right this instant.”

So that’s the deal. I have First Floor, Second Floor and Inside guys on the payroll. Everybody’s mad at each other. BlueState guys have taken to throwing bricks at my house. My wife isn’t speaking to me. Some crazy lady named Hillary claims I should have hired her and won’t go away. And you know what the hell of it is: the windows are still dirty.

Chuck Moss teaches Political Science at Oakland University and serves on the Board of the Regional Transportation Authority. He was elected to represent the 40th District in the Michigan House and was appointed Chairman of the all-important Appropriations Committee, responsible for the entire state budget. Prior to politics, Chuck was political columnist for the DETROIT NEWS, and has hosted talk shows for radio and television.

September 28, 2017 · Filed under Chuck Moss



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