The Last SOS

by Tom Shields
January 16, 2010

On February 3, Governor Granholm will deliver the last State of the State Address of her term as governor. The following is a look at how it might go.

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Majority Leader, members of the legislature and judiciary, and people of the Great State of Michigan, it gives me great honor to be here tonight to give my last State of the State Address.

The chamber stands in thunderous ovation.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Mr. Speaker, please kindly ask the Republicans to stop dancing in the aisles. Thank you. And, now, please, the Democrats.

As you all know, my administration inherited a mess in 2003. Unemployment stood at 6.2 percent, and we faced a budget deficit of $285 million in planned spending that we couldn’t fund. But, we made the tough choices to find one-time fixes to put Michigan on firm financial footing.

As if things weren’t bad enough, my administration was forced to live under the policies of George W. Bush for six years. Policies that kept Michigan in a recession while the rest of the nation flourished. Today, we all see the strides Michigan has made since the end of the Bush years.

As I look back at our accomplishments of the last seven years — Cool Cities, Promise Grants, the Michigan Business Tax and its surcharge — we can all be proud of the footprint we have left on this wonderful state.

I want to congratulate the legislature for pursuing Race to the Top legislation that will position Michigan to capture a $400-million “incentive” (wink) from Washington. Passing the education reform bills that were never going to see the light of day in the House, in just a matter of weeks, was incredible. Now we understand how the Obama Administration was able to get the healthcare bill through Congress.

Can you imagine what we could accomplish with deficit spending? Hmmmmm…

I digress.

2010 will be the most difficult year I have faced as governor.

As our seven-year plan to right Michigan is on the cusp of fruition, the till remains short by nearly $2 billion. Again we are faced with tough decisions.

We are going to need to develop a “grand bargain” plan to get through the year.

The grand bargain plan is simple. I offer you a grand bargain, and then you accept it. First Gentleman Dan is credited with this grand concept.

To start, and in a show of good faith, I will close the Office of the First Gentleman for the remainder of my term. Frankly, the first gentleman needs to be out looking for a job for when we get out of here next year. Job prospects in this state are rough.

Uproarious applause.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Renewing one of my 2006 campaign promises, I will not support raising taxes on Michigan taxpayers. So this year I give you my solemn pledge that I will not seek a tax increase to balance our state’s books.

Laughter erupts among Republicans.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I know that I have said that before, but the record is clear. Over the past two years I haven’t been able…err… ah…haven’t signed a single bill raising taxes.

To the taxpayers of Michigan — I’m serious this time about not raising taxes.

Here is my plan. First, I’m going to ask you to roll back income to the 2007 level. That’s right, roll it back to collect the income we used to take in three years ago. Second, I am announcing tonight that Lt. Governor John Cherry will become Treasury Department czar. We all know his track record for raising funds.

As much as we all love watching the cast of Hung hang around town, giving our state that special buzz not seen since Michael Moore was filming Roger and Me, I was ready to come here tonight and tell you it was time to put the Hollywood producer film subsidy on hold.

But have you seen the number of reporters who are in Detroit to cover the underpants bomber trial?

There are lines outside of Starbucks. Protesters are in from everywhere. We are on the verge of a gold mine by becoming a news media Mecca. When that happens, can documentary and action films be far behind?

Let me turn to this election year, as there have been rumors the White House is influencing Michigan’s elections. To put that rumor to rest, let me just read to you a joint statement from the president and myself that David Axelrod was nice enough to draft for me.

“In order to allow us to focus on the problems that exist in this great nation and great state, President Obama and I will not make any endorsements in the race for governor, Congress or state legislative races in Michigan in 2010.”

Cheering erupts from half the chamber.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you again…

Mr. Speaker, please ask the Democrats to quit dancing in the aisles.

Tom Shields is founder and president of Marketing Resource Group (MRG), a Lansing-based political marketing and public relations firm.